The forecast calls for anxiety

Is anxiety my friend?

I know what you’re thinking… of course it’s not. Anxiety has gotta be my worse enemy. The evil thing that plagues my mind and body as I press as hard as I can on this keyboard.

I’m listening to one of those debate lives with @deanwithers and @parkergetajob. I know, yet again, what you’re thinking… turn that goddamn thing off.

What a funny coincidence. One of my best friends just messaged me on TikTok to share that one of our favorite TT live shows just started: @xojas001. For $10-20, you can have her do a “loyalty test,” where you send info about your significant other and she’ll call them pretending to be “Jenny from IG” and expose cheaters. It’s honestly genius. And she makes BANK.

Is this a background show that will reduce my anxiety? I doubt it.

The reason I’m currently contemplating whether anxiety is my friend or not is because, like a friend, we’ve been together for a long time. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been wrangling the internal earthquake that is my nervous system. I recall the screaming and hyperventilating I’d do in my childhood bedroom whenever I got in trouble or my Dad did something to piss me off.

That feeling turned into rage as I entered adolescence, and a WHOLE lot of stress related to academic achievement. I’d cry when I got a B on an assignment because I thought I failed.

In college, I got to relish in the freedom of creating my own schedule, napping in the middle of the day, with more distance from the Dad in the household that pissed me off so much. The academic achievement anxiety persisted.

While teaching abroad in Korea, I tried every trick in the book. Each night, I’d write in my gratitude journal and do 30 minutes of sleepytime yoga. I’d recite affirmations each morning while listening to Tycho and deep breathe. I’d listen to calming music or podcasts on my morning commute, relishing in every sip of my morning coffee.

I became my own expert meteorologist, predicting storms, tracking pressure systems, and preventing total collapse by staying one step ahead. And yet, just like a meteorologist, no amount of preparation could stop the ground from shifting.

In September of 2015 my mom got diagnosed with stage 4 single cell carcinoma. Almost one year later to the date, she was gone.

I don’t think I need to elaborate about how I weathered that storm.

It wasn’t until 5 years later that I became absolutely fed up. I lived in a gorgeous apartment in Turkey, had a boyfriend I loved, with a stable job and paycheck. The pain of mom’s death wasn’t as sharp, and besides the neverending mom grief, I was living the highest quality of life I ever had.

BUT WHY WAS I STILL HAVING TO MANAGE THE INTERNAL EARTHQUAKE?!

I was fucking exhausted. Exhausted from all the breathing exercises and journal writing and affirmation saying and cognitive behavioral therapying. Exhausted from all the intellectualizing and overanalyzing and rationalizing. I couldn’t take it anymore.

So I contacted my doctor. In collaboration with my therapist, we came up with a plan to start on an antidepressant/SSRI.

Within 3 months, my raging internal earthquake turned into calm, clear blue waters of the Mediterranean. I tell everyone that after starting on SSRIs, it felt like I was wearing an internal weighted blanket. And it still does.

Call me psychic, but I once again know what you’re thinking: if the medication works so well, why are you feeling anxious right now? Well, it doesn’t exactly work like that.

Back in Turkey, I reached my breaking point because for the first time in my life, I couldn’t find an external reason for my anxiety. First it was my Dad. Then it was school. Then it was my mom’s death. But in Turkey, my earthquake was still rattling in an objectively stable life. That’s when I knew there had to be something else going on.

Now more than 3 years into my SSRI journey, I know for certaIn that I have a chemical imbalance in my body that has caused my nervous system to work on overdrive my entire life. This medicine rebalances that, so I can live in a more neutral zone and cope with the inevitable highs and lows that are thrown at me.

Today I can acknowledge that I objectively have a lot going on right now that’s contributing to my anxiety. A corrupt fascist oligarchy. A major career transition. Insufferable bullies online. A still dead mother.

I’m grateful for creative platforms like this that give me a space to vent, to tip tap away my thoughts and soothe my excessively beating heart.

Because no matter how well I track the forecast, some storms still roll in. The difference is, I finally have the tools to weather them.

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